Coercive Control Christmas

The songs and movies tout December as the most wonderful time of the year but for those living with coercive controllers - the holidays are a nightmare.

Coercive controllers ruin holidays and special events.

It’s common for abusers to become more abusive, more critical and demanding of their partner. Their moods change for the worst, they are are more likely to cheat, increase their reliance on addictions. The risk of violence and threats, harm to their partner increases over the holiday season.

In my day-to-day life with the abuser, I struggled to keep it all together. I was constantly in fear, walking on eggshells, trying to navigate his moods. I was hypervigilant - watching for any sign his mood was changing. I was living a lie by keeping the secret of abuse. I was doing everything in our home to keep it running, working overtime in our marriage, taking care of the family, both in the home and our extended families. I was helping him work - on call when he demanded my assistance. I was exhausted and overwhelmed - I was unhappy and stressed.

Now add in the holiday season.

Not only was it the busiest time of year for his work - which was always a fire storm because when he was doing shows, his stress and intensity were off the charts. He took that out on me.

And on top of that I had to decorate, shop, make a big meal, travel, be with both our families and all the stress that goes along with hiding the abuse and making excuses for his behavior. I had to make sure I was happy and engaging, but not too happy, and not too engaging. Watch every word I said or face his wrath.. He hated spending money and at the holidays, he made sure I knew I wasn’t worth his money and wasn’t worth the effort for him to buy me nice things or make sure I felt loved.

I resented the way he’d spend hours making sure he didn’t offend strangers in his act. I hate the way he abused me at home, then texted me pictures of his big smiles at a corporate event, showing me he was making other people’s holidays fun, making them laugh at their corporate Christmas party and enjoy the holidays. The laughter he gave to others, came at my expense.

Then I had to smile, be happy and engaging and do everything he wanted with no regard for how I felt and be left in January feeling completely destroyed.

The statistics of people experiencing domestic violence is outrageously high. We also know it is vastly under-reported.

You may not know someone is being abused, but you do know someone who is or has been. That’s how prevalent it is.

Be kind if someone seems to be struggling over the holidays. Listen and be empathetic. They may be experiencing more than you know and not ready to share. All they need is a safe place to express how they feel while they brace for and experience a Coercive Control Christmas.